Parenting Multiple Children When One has a Medical Condition

Recently our children told us we showed preferential treatment to our daughter who is sick. While I do not believe this is true, I do understand that the demands of a sick child can overpower the daily needs of the other child/ren. No one asked for this and none of us certainly wanted this to be part of our life but taking great measures to insure everyone in the family is getting what they need is critical when you’re fighting a medical battle.

Here are some signs that your “well” child/ren may need more from you:

• Conversations become difficult and they don’t listen to you or they find things to argue about just to have your attention.
  
• They seem to have an attitude of “I don’t care” or a significant change in their attitude.
  
• Grades Slip or there is little interest in doing homework. You may even start to get notes from the teacher about their attitude at school.
  
• Technology becomes a primary interest where they find support from games or other friends.
  
• Vacations seem to be the only topic of conversation from your “well” child/ren. They want to talk about vacations where doctors, needles and testing don’t exist. 
  
• Consequences and restrictions don’t seem to matter to them and hold little relevance to them. 
  
• They make small comments about how the sick child gets all the privileges or better yet they tell other people how the sick child gets all the attention. 
  
• They stop hugging you and or start hugging you more.
  
• They want you to tuck them in to have one on one time with you.
  
• And the most obvious they have a meltdown of some type.
  

So what do you do? You’re already juggling doctor appointments, grocery shopping, laundry, teacher demands, keeping up with the medical bills, pleasing a boss at a job and just putting dinner on the table. There is no more of you to go around but now you have one or more children who need more from you as a parent. 

Here are some suggestions: 

• Have a family meeting and talk about how everyone is feeling. It’s a safe environment where everyone can express themselves and offer suggestions to make things better for the entire family.
  
• If the “well” children are old enough – ask them to help you with daily demands and become a family team that works together to make it easier for everyone.
  
• Start saying “no” to things that don’t support your family. Every teacher, school, church, civic organization, work establishment, etc. asks you for time, energy and effort. Only accept invitations or requests that make sense for the limited time you have fighting your medical condition. Make the family unit the most important area of your life.
  
• Start eliminating guilt from your life. Some days breathing seems hard – don’t let others make you feel guilty for not doing what they are asking of you.
  
• Outsource things that don’t demand you personally. Hire help.
  
• Ask!  When people ask you how they can support you – tell them!  If someone offers assistance take it and remember if the shoe were reversed you would want them to ask you.
  
• Extended family will not understand. They will tell you they do but they don’t. They are not caring for a sick child day after day and night after night so ask them to create special moments for your well child/ren.
  
• When possible – take individual time with your well child/ren and don’t over think it. If you have to run to the grocery store ask one child to go with you so you have time with them. Then come home unload the groceries and take another child to run another errand. This gives them time to talk to you about what’s going on in their life. If you have a teenage girl – blast the music sing at the top of your lungs and just giggle. 
  
• Start a communication journal. You write to the well child/ren and the next day they write back to you. This creates a back and forth that will give them assurance that they matter.
  
• Children need to know they are important and that you support and love them just as much as the sick child. You can’t tell them enough how much you love them. They need to hear it and feel it. Make a big deal out of communicating love in all ways.